The more the merrier?
Don’t worry, I won’t go THIS far
Back when I was naive younger, I had visions of having a large family…at least four kids. I’m not exactly sure why I wanted so many kids. Maybe it was because I felt I grew up as an only child since my brothers were seven and nine years older than me and already out of the house by the time I was ten. Or maybe it was because neither of my parents are very close with their families, so holidays were never big, grand events with lots of extended family around. Whatever the reason, in my mind I saw myself with all these cute little kids and a happy husband, living a perfect, happy life.
My life, so far, really is not that much different than the picture I just painted. I have a happy husband, a dog, one cute little kid, and can say that we are living a happy life. However, I also have a career as a lawyer; and a young lawyer at that. Yeah, that piece never really entered into my mind when I was planning out my huge family.
Scott and I have always planned on having at least one more baby (and I have even entertained the idea of three.) The other day on Facebook I saw that a couple who had their first baby one month before us, is now pregnant with their second. Their children will be 25 months apart. And it seems everywhere I look, people are now having their second babies. This has planted the question of when we should try for a second baby in my head.
Shortly after having Decker, I had said that we should start trying for number two once he turned two. However, that doesn’t seem plausible at this point. Besides the fact that I feel like we are just now getting to the point where Decker is a bit easier to take care of, I also have to consider my job situation. In January, I started working at a very small law firm…a firm so small that it is not even bound to the FMLA. And I’m now at a point there where I am starting to get my feet a bit more wet in taking on my own cases and actually somewhat knowing what I am doing. The last thing I want to do is disrupt my career by being pregnant with no job (which already happened once, as I was laid off when I was 6 months pregnant.)
So then I wonder, well when SHOULD we get pregnant? The plus side to having babies close together is that you a) can get all your pregnancies out of the way and know that you have your body back for good (and start planning your tummy tuck 
) and b) because your children are closer in age, they will have more in common and play together. The negative sides to having babies close together is that you a) have to simultaneously care for multiple children at demanding ages, b) because your children are closer in age, they will compete and fight more, and c) the closer in age kids are, the more expense there seems to be…i.e., 2 kids in college at once, going to prom, driving, etc.
And then sometimes, I think about what it would be like to not have another baby. To know that I never have to worry about telling my boss I’m pregnant. To know that I have my body back to myself for good. To know that I never have to deal with breastfeeding or sleepless nights with a newborn.
I admit, these thoughts have crossed my mind lately. I think how attractive it is to know that parenting can only get easier from here on out. I think about how it will be great when Decker starts to go to sleep later because then I will have more flexibility with my time.
But then I think about how I never want Decker to be alone once we are gone. And how I want him to experience the closeness of a sibling and learn the importance of sharing everything with his brother or sister. And of course, part of me would really love to see what our daughter would look like.
For now, we’ve I’ve decided that maybe once Decker is three, we should start trying. I figure about 4 years difference in age is still pretty close and still gives us lots of time for Decker to be totally out of diapers. But really, I never imagined the decision of whether to have a second baby and when, would be so involved.
Those of you that have faced the same questions, I am open to enlightenment.
Noah and I always thought we would want multiples. But since going through the last year and the bond we have with Lucas, we enjoy this dynamic. I want to go back to work when Lucas goes back to school and I really like my personal space. I still enjoy being a bit selfish. It really comes down to what you and Scott are willing to handle and what your long term goals are now that Decker is around. Someone who had their son a month after I had Lucas was already pregnant as soon as they could have sex again! And it seems everyone who was pregnant when I was are ramping up with their second round. While I’ve considered surrogacy, I’m not ready to give up my ‘me’ space. I can only tell what works for our clan, it ultimately comes down to what the Raymonds want
Chrystal, I totally agree with you! Right now, I am enjoying getting more “me” time the older Decker gets and I’m not sure I’m ever willing to give that up again.
You and your husband will know when you are ready. I will be honest, having both boys so close together really can be intense sometimes, but there are a lot of benefits to having them so close together as well, as you have listed. My husband comes from a huge family, he is one of seven. When we got married, he was very “anti” big families, in fact, he used to say to me all the time that he would be fine if he never had kids. Once we had a baby though, that all changed. We used to say two and now we are saying three… and even sometimes we say four! We are also now even thinking about adopting or being foster parents on top of having more children of our own. I think our desires evolve along with the way we change and the way life events change us. I completely understand though the loving and MISSING the “me” time.. and there are times where I just think… just two?? I know there are times where I think how much easier it was with just one, and then with the third, I know I’ll think how much easier it was with just two! lol I know that we are probably going wait a little later for number three… because having two so close together was pretty challenging. In the end, I feel that you will just know what is right for you and your family.
Everyone tells me that making the change to 3 kids from 2 isn’t that drastic, so maybe since you have 2, having more is even easier. Thanks for your comment!
There is never really a “good” time to have a baby, particularly if both parents have careers. And pregnancy is so unpredictable! I always wanted two kids so in some ways I kind of lucked out in that I had twins! (Although the hospital bedrest, NICU stay, etc. was not fun at all.) It’s definitely gets really crazy at times having two same age toddlers who can be equally unreasonable, but I’m sure it’s still challenging to have children of different ages as well. One piece of advice that many of my attending physicians told me when I was a resident is that you’ll never regret decisions you make putting family first, but you may regret decisions you make for your career at the expense of your family.
I totally agree about there never being a “good” time to have a baby. Great advice there in your last sentence, and something I will hold onto and consider.
There must be something contagious in the air, these are my exact same thoughts these days! For me, I already feel a bit nostalgic about how quickly my son is growing and almost want to have another just to hold onto these days a bit longer. But then I have the same “selfish” thoughts you mentioned about my work, my body, my “me” time, etc and I’m just not sure. I figure there’s no rush though, we’ll know it when (if) we’re ready for our second. That’s one decision I definitely want to be sure about!
I agree. After thinking about it more, I had to cut myself off and remind myself to just be present and not worry so much about the future. Who knows…I may feel totally different in 6 months.